Selfessly, Selfishly
by caffeinated-craze
Summary: Hermione broods over her marriage to Ron, and thinks about the true apple of her eye. One-shot.


Disclaimer: Everything belongs to JK Rowling. This is just for fun.

* * *

It was something I've always wanted to do: have that beautiful yet ugly romance. Live in a life where angst and hurt attacked because I was in love.

But it never came. I guess, maybe it's because I have many years left to live, but I want it.

So _damn _bad.

So much that I'm hurting for something that doesn't even exist.

I wanted everything, the full package. I desire a relationship, that one true love, where I could get hurt because he cheated on me, insulted me, abused me.

I wanted to selflessly love a selfish man, and cherish him, no matter what he does to me. I will always run back to him, kiss him, hug him. As contradicting as it may sound, I wanted him to love me back too. To cherish me, yet hurt me at the same time. Maybe I am a masochistic person; a woman who lives to hurt and cry.

Damn. I'm so in denial. In such deep denial. I've been lying this whole time.

I'm married to my best friend, have children with him, and I am the one who has been hurting him. He knows that the one I want will never be him.

But he still tries: coming home from work with a bouquet in his hand, buying me jewelry, telling me that he loves me with all his heart, always trying to agree with everything I say and suggest.

That's not what I want. I want a challenge, some intellectual stimulation. I don't care for all the romantic things he does, I want to bicker and argue.

The only reason why I thought I was in love with him in the first place was because we always fought, quibbled, insulted each other. I thought I was happy, that my life was finally fulfilled; I thought I was satisfied.

I realized that I wasn't.

After our marriage and the births of Rose and Hugo, everything slipped. He wasn't the way he was anymore.

He was actually nice, romantic…_boring_. All the things he did, the candlelit dinners, surprise visits to my workplace, cooking for me… all so damn cliché.

Then came Draco Malfoy, who I was unlucky enough to share an office with in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes.

I've always hated him, since the beginning of 1st year at Hogwarts. And now, I hate him even more. He was the one who made me turn my feelings against Ron. He was the one who changed me.

I loath him with all my heart, if that is even possible.

Yet, I crave him with my whole being. I crave seeing him with his stupid platinum blond hair, his snide remarks, his smirks, his insults, his piercing gaze, and most of all, I crave the inability to reach him.

Maybe that's what makes everything so exciting, so thrilling. The mere fact that I can't be with him makes my skin tingle and form goose bumps.

I know that Malfoy has never, and _will never_ love me back. We share an office, deal with the same cases as partners, and usually at the end of the day, have an awful row involving physical attacks.

No, he doesn't hit me.

I hit him. And I still remember when a certain argument became a rough, angry, loveless act of coitus. Things have never been the same since then, and I really do stress the word same.

So every morning, I wake up, wonder how my children are doing at Hogwarts, kiss Ron goodbye, and Apparate to work. And every morning, when I arrive at my office, I see Malfoy, enjoying his morning coffee, and looking at the picture on his desk.

That one picture I hate and would like very much to incinerate with Fiendfyre. It was a picture of him and his family; of him, Astoria, and their son, Scorpius.

And so every morning, I would give him a curt nod, sit down at my desk, and wonder what life would be like with no Ron, no Rose, no Hugo, no Astoria, and no Scorpius.

Just me and Malfoy. I know that will never happen.

And I wonder if these feelings for Malfoy are just plain, selfish lust, or if the feelings were actually true love. And that Ron was just a distraction from whom I'm meant to fall for.

But I am still a monster. I am selfish. I've even thought of divorcing Ron, dumping my children, killing Astoria and Scorpius, hope Malfoy never finds out what I'd done to his family, and begin a romance with him.

Who would imagine that _the _Hermione Granger – advocate for House-Elf rights, top of the graduating class in Hogwarts, a Gryffindor, and one of the people pivotal to the defeat of Voldemort – become like this? It pains me to realize that I've become like this.

Everything I feel, every time I close my eyes, I think of that git with the pointed face and platinum blond hair.

Damn him. Damn him to hell.

What did I ever do to deserve this?

I try my best to be a good person, and he just has to come along and destroy everything: my faith, my love, my relationships, and my soul. Damn him.

God _help _me.

* * *

A/N: This is my first fanfiction! How about some constructive criticism? (:


End file.
